Pale Skin, Stained Heart
by lovelybones1029
Summary: Merlin has gone into a deep depression, everyone wants him back to his old self, but no one knows what has happened to make him so cold. WARNING CONTAINS: self-harm,suicidal thoughts, and is kinda sad. First fic, may turn into some Merthur. Who knows?
1. Chapter 1

**Well hello there, if your reading this then you have stumbled upon my first fic. Just going to say that I'm sorry if it sucks, really and truly sorry. This will be updated, I'm trying for every other day but school just started for me and I suffer from terrible procrastination.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, BBC does**

**WARNING: Contains self-harm, suicidal thoughts and may just be sad to read. **

***Kisses and all that* **

**-{- **

The pale skin was deprived of color, only to be stained with crimson blood. The knife glided over the ivory colored flesh like butter to be spread, it was taken away only to be brought back like a moth to its flame.

"No," the pale man muttered to himself, "only one more time." He was seeking comfort, comfort in a sharp blade that could only bring pain, which could only bring the thing that made him feel so alive. He had to feel the release, the comfort for all the things he has done, even if they were for good intent; they had cost too many.

"It's my fault, my fault, my fault," he whispered, "Everything is my fault." The last part of it was said in a strange wail that only cause the blade to be brought to his skin once again. "Everything is my fault." Was all he said before drifting off into unconsciousness.

-{-

Merlin woke to a pounding on his head and dried blood on his arms. He quickly changing out of his blood crusted shirt and into another. Stepping out of his room, he met Gaius at the table for breakfast.

"Are you alright?" The old man spoke to his ward, noticing the waxy shine on his forehead. But Merlin didn't hear him, he was only staring distantly into his porridge, "Are you alright?" Gaius repeated a bit louder.

"Hmm?" Merlin finally looked up as Gaius repeated his question once again, "Oh yeah, just fine."

"Are you sure? I could give you a tonic," the old man suggested noticing his wards leg was bouncing uncontrollably, "It could ease your nerves."

"I said I was fine," but Merlin said this with false consent, "I have to go." He mumbled the last part while standing up, leaving his porridge untouched and waiting to be consumed by flies. While walking out of the physicians chambers Merlin kept his head down, only looking at his feet as he opened the door and fled to bring Arthur his breakfast.

The truth was; Merlin was lost, with the summer fading and winter coming he only felt sadness as the life was drained from the world, as the magic was drained from the world. He had a feeling, deep within himself that this winter was going to be troublesome, and filled with terror. The feeling was suffocating him, as was his so called 'destiny' and even though the suffocation was worse than it has ever been, he had never felt so alone. He had gone quiet, even Arthur has missed his usual banter. For Arthur there was no more happy voice greeting him in the morning to wake him up, now there was just a man who opened the blinds letting the sun shine in and cringed away from it. Merlin was just a shell, even the cook missed his usual ways.

Arthurs morning started the same it has every morning for the past month and he was getting fed up with it.

**-{- **

**Whelp! There it is, and just repeating myself, I am going to try and update every other depending on how I feel. I am going to try an use this story kind of as an emotional outlet so bear with me here.**

**Reviews and criticism are welcome, so smash away!**

***Kisses***

**D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello my lovely's… ok so first of I want to thank everyone who read and followed this story, I literally squealed every single time I got an email saying that I got a new follower. So kisses and hugs for you all!**

**It also dawned on me, I have a problem, I'm writing this on my new laptop so I haven't yet downloaded Microsoft so to write this I have been using the free trial and I have no idea how long the free trial lasts, so if I ever don't update it is because the trial has ended and I am trying to save up the money to buy the actual Microsoft program, which is frickin amazing! If anyone has tried out the new version of Microsoft word it is so cool. **

**Any who, I thinks that all I had to say, but I feel like I'm forgetting something. Oh right! Sorry if this chapter is short, I have literally never had this much schoolwork in my life and it killing me, so if I don't update on time at all its because my school papers have teamed up and gave me so many paper cuts that I died.**

**Oh yeah and in this Gwen is still a servant but Arthurs king, just saying.**

**WARNING CONTAINS: self-harm, suicidal thoughts and all that.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, BBC does blahh blahh blahh**

***Kisses and all that***

**-{- **

"What has been going on with you?" Arthur asked bluntly, "You haven't been yourself for weeks and I think I speak for the whole of Camelot that it's getting really annoying." He was fed up, his manservant was all scowls lately and he was actually doing his job, correctly for that matter. His odd demeanor wasn't the only thing Arthur noticed, he was even paler than he normally is and his ribs could been seen through his loose shirt. Nothing has been right lately.

"I'm fine my lord," was all he said as he got back to getting Arthur prepared for the day, grabbing the belt that was hanging off the wardrobe.

"You know you can tell me anything." Arthur was pushing, he wanted, no… He _needed_ to know what was going on.

"Of course sire," Merlin answered curtly, "There is just nothing to say." This was all he said. Quickly moving around the room to set up Arthur's breakfast from the silver try it was on. The king sat at the table just as his servant poured him some wine. He noticed a small drop of blood on Merlin's sleeve.

"What is that?" He asked through a mouthful of sausage while pointing at the sleeve.

"Oh," Merlin said, looking down at the sleeve, "It is nothing. I just accidentally nicked myself on one of Gaius's odd medical instruments." But the words tumbled out of his mouth too quickly, this caused Arthur to quirk up an eyebrow, "I am fine, it will heal within the day." He concluded.

"Alright, alright. Don't get your stockings in a twist, I was just wondering." But Arthur didn't believe a word out of his servants' mouth, he knew how he was when he lied, his ears always turned a slight pinkish color.

This new Merlin was a person who looked sad, a person he didn't recognize. He looked like Merlin, he sounded like Merlin but he wasn't Merlin, he didn't have that twinkle in his eyes, the infectious smile that lit up the whole room. Arthur didn't like this new Merlin. This Merlin never smiled, his eyes remained dull, and you could see the ever slight shake of his unsteady hand as if he was scared all the time. Arthur had to know what was going on, he couldn't live to watch his closest friend shrivel away as an empty shell of the man Arthur knew and had grown to love. _Love? _Arthur thought to himself, _no that couldn't be it. I don't love Merlin. I respect him, as a friend and I want him to get better for the good of all the people around me. Right?_ He shook his head, trying to get rid of those odd thoughts, while sipping his bitter wine and watched the shell of his friend leave the room.

_Love?_

**-{- **

**I am so sorry that this is so short, I just thought up the idea for this chapter and had to get it out but couldn't think of anything else to go with it. But hey I'm slipping some Merthur in there, you will now definitely be seeing that in the future now, I'm trying to slowly set up the Merthur in this story. **

**Since this chapter was so short, tomorrow you will probably see a chapter of equal length, then this story will probably go to being updated every other day but with longer chapters. I promise you.**

**Just wanted to say thank you again to anyone who has read this and I'm terribly sorry if it is so bad that you want to gouge your eyes out.**

**Reviews and criticism are welcome.**

***Kisses***

**D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello my lovelys, ok so this chapter is going up later than I wanted to, I would like to say my excuse is because I was busy but it was just because I was really lazy and took like a 5 hour nap when I got home from school. So yay me! I absolutely hate naps, when I wake up I feel awful. Plus today was hot as balls. It was also picture day at school and guess who looks like a fracking chipmunk in her picture, me!**

**I would like to thank everyone who has followed this story, it just makes me so fracking happy. I love you all.**

**Ok so I'm typing this before I actually write the chapter so bear with me, I have no clue what this chapter is going to be about.**

**WARNING CONTAINS: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and is a kinda sad. Oh yeah I think this chapter will actually have blood in it seeing as the chapter before didn't. So be prepared.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, I would love to own Merlin 'cause if I did it would still be on and everyone would be alive and everyone would be ok with Merlin having magic and they all would live happily ever after with a bunch of kids, but since none of that happened it must be because BBC owns Merlin.**

***Kisses and all that***

**-{- **

Merlin couldn't take the questions Arthur asked, knowing full well that he wouldn't be able to answer any of them, so he decided to leave. Once out of the kings chambers, he took a deep but shaken breath and broke out into a full sprint, leaving the castle and its king. He fled for the trees, running past tree after tree, tears ran down his face. He stopped once he reached a small, shaded clearing, here he dropped to his knees. His arms wrapped around himself, holding onto like he was afraid his soul would try and leave his body, and he was. Afraid, afraid of all the things to come, destiny was spiraling out of bounds, he couldn't keep running from it, but running was the only thing he knew how to do.

His hands shakily grabbed for his boot, this was where he kept his dagger. Fumbling with it, trying to get a steady hold. He needed to feel the release, the comfort in the sting across his skin. Holding his wrist up, he held the blade to it, but did not move it. He thought of all the people, if they knew what he was doing, that would be disappointed; Gwen, Arthur, Gaius. He could see Gaius shaking his head, with his disapproving look, wondering what happened to the man he thought of as a son. Merlin shook these thoughts out of his head, bringing the dagger back up to the underside of his arm. Slowly, as if trying to saver it, he dragged the sharp blade across his skin, furrowing his brow line in concentration. Soft red droplets of blood appeared along the line of the cut. He moved the blade to a patch of unmarred skin, slicing a bit faster than before. The blood was coming faster, crawling its way down Merlin's arm, leaving velvet like stains on the pale flesh.

"I deserve it," was shakily said and with more lust, "I _need_ it." Drawing the blade to skin again, he normally stopped now but Merlin still felt the pressure of suffocation creeping in. So he used the only method he knew of to take it away. Cutting again and the blood pooling into the palm of his trembling hand. He rose the dagger for one last time, bringing it down, his eyes drooped. His unsteady hand cut the ivory flesh. Too deep.

Falling to the ground, his vision blurred and the sounds of the forest became muffled, the chirps of the birds and the swaying of the trees all muffled into one sound. But there was another sound that pierced Merlin's ears, the sounds of horses stomping the ground. Camelot patrol.

**-{- **

**Whelp there you go. Another fun filled chapter. Sorry again for it being uploaded a little late, I kinda just plan stuff as I go, just kidding I never plan anything.**

**Oh no, I just remembered that I have to wake up in like 5 hours, eh.**

**Remember, reviews and criticism are welcome ;)**

***Kisses***

**D**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello again my lovelys, I hope your day has been good, mine luckily went quick, but yet again school was as hot as the devils balls, it's fracking September, it shouldn't be like this. But I actually am able to start this chapter early and not right before midnight as I have for the past two nights, hmm maybe I do my best work at the witching hour.**

**Anywho, I would like to thank the wonderful two people who reviewed my story and the people who have followed my story, my heart swoons for you. This all means so much to me, I have always been afraid to show my writing to people because of their reactions and I haven't gotten the best grades for my stories in English class so that really boosted my confidence (sarcasm). So this is a really big step for me, normally whenever I wrote anything if it was on paper I would destroy it afterwards. So this means so much to me and I want to say a huge thank you, to anyone who is reading this. :***

**WARNING CONTAINS: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and a sassy writer.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin…. Yet. Till that day it rests in the hands of BBC**

**Oh and while reading this, try reading it in a British accent, I don't have one but that's how I proof read stuff to see if it sounds good. **

***Kisses and all that***

**-{- **

Merlin awoke, wondering where he was, unsure of the prior events that followed up to this moment. He had yet to open his eyes, but he could hear. Mumbling, footsteps, but everything felt like he was underwater. Slowly the noises became clearer, he could hear people talking.

"Sire he has lost a lot of blood," the voice was Gaius's, "I am unsure of when he will awake." _What? _Merlin thought, _I am awake now._ But Merlin slowly realized all he could do was hear, unable to even twitch a finger or open his eyes, exhaustion took him over and he gave up in trying to get his body to respond.

Next he heard Arthur's voice, "What happened to him out there?" His voice was shaky with fear of what the physician's words would be.

"I fear that the cuts on his arms are self-made," when Gaius spoke these words the room became silent, a needle could have been dropped and make a resonating sound that could linger in the air. No one dared speak next, they were afraid of what could spill out of their mouths. Gwaine however became bold, his body shaking with fear as he comprehended what was just said.

The words tumbled out of his mouth, "What? Merlin would never do anything like that. Why would he do this? He wouldn't. He couldn't." The knight's head shook back and forth as he spoke, so fast you could hear his brain rattle around in his head. He gripped his head and sat down on the wooden floor trying to steady his body and mind.

All of Merlin's friends were there, this consisted of Arthur, the knights, and Gwen and Gaius. They all stood, except for Gwaine, with jaws slack as they looked down on their broken friend. They all eyed the cuts on his arms, unable to look for long periods of time yet at the same time unable to look away. They all thought the same thing, _what would make Merlin do this to himself?_

**-{- **

Merlin came around again, this time able to open his eyes. He saw first the familiar ceiling of the physician's chambers. His eyes moved around taking in his other surroundings, he was met with cool blue eyes that were pinched up with concern. But Merlin was afraid of what was to come next, he was afraid of what Arthur would think, afraid of what he would say. He realized he was staring into the blue eyes and looked away. His face set into an expressionless mask.

"Why?" He heard Arthur say, but Merlin kept his mask on it had remained untouched. No recognition of Arthur's words showed as he stared at the wooden beams on the ceiling. "I know you can hear me. Don't act like you can't. Even if you don't want to answer the question, just talk to me, say something."

Merlin turned his head, he looked up into the worried eyes. His mask stayed up, "Go away," no emotion showed itself within his words. Arthur hung his head, defeat came over him as a tidal wave. He said nothing back, but he didn't leave, he only slouched back into the uncomfortable wooden chair he claimed earlier. Merlin finally showed an emotion, anger, "Why are you here?" His words evident with distain.

"I will answer that if you answer my question," Arthur retaliated but his eyes quickly softened, "Why?"

Merlin answered with one word, "Suffocation."

"What do you mean? There has been no suffocation, you have been farther away from everyone lately." The words were wrong, Merlin's mask shifted back into its place, Arthur noticed his words did not have the desired effect, he tried to recover, "And I am here because I care, and I'm worried about you. I, no everyone wants you back."

"How could they want me back seeing as I'm right here," Merlin spat his words, his mask quickly slipped as anger came over him, as quickly as the mask went if was back.

"But you're not here! Your body may be but your soul is gone, your nothing but a shell these days," Arthur was getting aggravated with Merlin's cryptic ways, "We want you back, we want the Merlin who's smile could make everyone in the rooms troubles go away, we need him. I need him."

With Arthur's last words he stood up, looking at Merlin, but not his Merlin. He walked to the exit, holding onto the creaking door he looked back, Arthur's voice was pleading, "Please come back to us,"

_Come back to me._

**-{- **

**Well there is another lovely chapter, well not sure if I would put it as lovely.**

**I may have a chapter up tomorrow but not sure, but you will definitely see multiple chapters up this weekend, I pinky swear. **

**Love you all.**

**XOXO**

***Whisper***

**Gossip Girl**

**Hahaha only kidding, really sorry 'bout that. It won't happen again but I couldn't resist.**

***Kisses***

**D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Well hello again my lovelys. So I didn't update as much as I would have liked and I'm sorry. I hate making excuses but I didn't think I would be that busy. I also visited my dad in rehab today so that really upped my mood, so expect to see a really cheery chapter today *Sarcasm*! But on the upside, Saturday night I went to a bonfire, like WHAT, me being social? But from that bonfire I brought a really big stick home with me, apparently I found it in the woods when I was getting fire wood and thought it was really cool, so I brought it home with me. But today I did realize it actually was a pretty cool stick, I'm turning it into a staff, and dressing it all up, I've de-barked it and sanded it down and I am pretty proud as to how it turned out. Sorry this has nothing to do with the story does it?**

**Anywho I would like to thank everyone who has read this story, and an extra special thanks to everyone who has followed, favorited, and reviewed this story. I love you all and it means so much to me.**

**WARNING CONTAINS: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and a sassy writer**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, if I did I would be living in Ireland with like a thousand cats. But seeing as I am doing that only in America, I have to say I don't own Merlin and BBC does. **

***Kisses and all that***

**-{- **

It took several days for Merlin to actually be able to stand on his own without passing out from blood loss, because of this he was getting more and more aggravated each and every hour. Once he was able to actually move on his own he was nowhere to be found. This was first noticed by Arthur who was keeping track of Merlin's recovery.

"Gaius?" Arthur looked towards Gaius, "Where's Merlin?"

"I thought he was with you sire," Confusion spreading over his face, "He was feeling better this morning so I thought he decided to return to his duties."

"I haven't seen him once," This troubled Camelot's king, he didn't want Merlin to do anything foolish given his current mental state. Gaius was looking no better than the king.

"Don't worry Gaius," Arthur said this whilst putting his hand on the physicians shoulder, "I will find him."

**-{- **

Walking through the halls of the castle, anyone could see the desperation on the king's face, they would hide or squish their bodies to the sides of the walls in order to not face their king. However, Gwaine took this as an open invitation.

"What's up Princess?" He said with his usual hop in his step as he tried to keep up with Arthur.

"Where did patrol find Merlin?" There was no humor in Arthur's eyes.

"In the clearing 5 leagues from the east gate," There was confusion in the knight's eyes, "Is Merlin okay?"

"I hope so."

**-{- **

Arthur stormed through the forest, no movement within it going unjudged by his eye. _Dear gods, please let Merlin be alright. _He couldn't go through more heartbreak. It would surely break him. When he reached the clearing, the state he say Merlin in made him freeze.

Merlin was curled up into himself, arms clutched around his knees, no emotion other than fear passing through his eyes. A blade was lying barely arm's length away from him in the dead leaves, but no blood was on it, with this Arthur could sigh with relief before turning his attention to his broken manservant.

"I couldn't do it," Merlin's face was shrouded in fear as he looked up at Arthur getting closer to him, "I wanted to, I really did."

"Do what Merlin?" Arthur's voice was gentle, laced with worry.

"End it all," His voice was sullen, "You wouldn't understand."

"You're damn right I don't understand," His voice rising, "Why, why would you give up when so many people are here for you and love you." _Like me._

"Because if they knew who I really was they wouldn't be so caring."_ You would rather leave me here to rot._

"What is that supposed to mean?" Now it was Arthurs turn to have fear shake his voice._ Please don't mean what I think you do._

"If you knew who or what I was you would rather leave me here with my own blade," Merlin now looked up at Arthur, with eyes like molten gold. The trees started to shake and the leaves lifted to the air. The warlocks face was covered in the tracks of tears, "Why save me?"

**-{- **

**Ok so I wanted to kind of draw that out a little longer but I couldn't resist! Yes I know these chapters are short but I am trying to fill them with emotion, I want to hear your hearts cry. I will try and make the chapters longer but I am better of short stuff with lots of good stuff rather than something long with lots of filler. I HATE fillers! I'd rather give something with a fuller impact. **

**Oh I learned that my Microsoft word free trial is a month long so by the beginning of October I will have hopefully saved up enough money to buy it. If I haven't then maybe I could use my moms laptop. I will try and write the most I can by that time.**

**Again I would like to thank anyone who has read up to this point.**

***Kisses***

**D**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello my lovelys, so so sorry for the really late update. But see this is a great demonstration of my skills in the art of procrastination. If there is ever an award for procrastination I would definitely win. But I love you all and I am terribly sorry this took so long. I had so many ideas for this chapter but none of them worked together, then I got stressed because of it. Oh gods the homework level I've been getting is astounding, how the frick am I supposed to write TEN pages for Civics class in one fracking night, oh and go through a book in English class and pick out 1 specific word out of an ENTIRE book, sorry just the work load stresses me out occasionally, but I will get back to updating regularly. Hmmm has anything good happened in my life recently, I need to add something happy to this, oh! Some guy told me I had a pretty smile, so hey hey that brightened up my day. **

**Again I would like to thank anyone who is actually reading this, and an extra special cyber-hug to all of the people who have followed, favorited, and reviewed this story, my heart beats for all of you.**

**WARNING CONTAINS: self-harm, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, and a sassy writer.**

**Disclaimer: Let me spin a tale for you *throat clear* there was once a TV show called Merlin, I don't own it, BBC does.**

***Kisses and all that***

**Oh gods I am just sitting in front of my computer not knowing what to write…**

**Currently watching HP and trying to get out of doing my homework…**

**-{- **

Minutes of silence passed by, Merlin had slumped down to the ground, curling himself onto a ball, spasms shaking him every few minutes as he tried to hold in the new round of tears. Arthur stood in the same stop he had been with a vacant look, trapped in his own mind.

No words had been said, no looks had been shared. Merlin realized what he had done, he stood up and looked his king in the eyes, "No, no, no, no, no," he muttered, "I…. I am sorry my lord." He took off running. Leaving Arthur with his mouth open, staring at the blade the warlock left in the leaves.

"MERLIN," but shouting did not stop the figure that only got smaller as the seconds flew by, "PLEASE," yet nothing came of it.

**-{- **

Merlin ran, nothing held him back as he heard the distant shouts from Arthur, but he didn't stop. He didn't want to confront the king not knowing the outcome of his actions, of his magic. It was a disgrace to those like Arthur, a death sentence in Camelot and the lands ruled by the Pendragons. So he ran, he ran far enough away from the cries for him to stop, he ran so he couldn't see the towers of Camelot in the distance. Only to fall to the ground when his shaking legs couldn't hold him up anymore. He fell, curled up in a ball as sobs raked through his body, trying to find a release for the emotions that have been held in for so long. For months he hadn't let an emotion out, no smiles lived on his lips, for there was nothing to smile about. Only the tracks of tears that welled up on his face could show what he was truly feeling. Only the despair that one could see in his dull blue eyes could show his true need for comfort. Merlin didn't think any comfort could come, he couldn't see anyone who would truly understand. There was no one who would understand.

He grabbed for his boot, hoping to find the sharp metal of a dagger in it. None was found. A scream erupted from his body, he grabbed at his hair, pulling on it as he shouted in despair. Finding comfort by beating his hands bloody on the floor of the forest. No other comfort could be found through the despair.

**-{- **

**Well this was depressing to write. And again really sorry for the super late update. I hate excuses but schoolwork was overwhelming and other such things that I will not name happened. This chapter was so hard to write. I kept writing a few sentences then leaving it for a couple of days. I wish I had something longer to give to you but I don't.**

**Im gonna be blunt here, I've been having a tough time but things are slightly looking up so I should be updating more, sadly though my free Microsoft office trial ends in three days, but I will have access to other computers.**

**I love you all so much, and again sorry.**

***Kisses***

**D**


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